Last year I had multiple encounters with 2 (or perhaps even 3) different moose. The encounters felt heightened and magical like a dream. My husband put up several game cams and we captured many videos of this one particular moose. (I wrote an article Vermont Moose Mysteries for anyone who wants to read more. I still intend to write a sequel.) This moose wasn't well and I worried about him dying due to the stress of his circumstances. I worried about my mom dying, too. Her health had rapidly deteriorated, and many of my friends were losing their mothers at the same time. I longed to save both my mom and the moose, but I had no control over their destinies. I could not portend a miracle, or prevent an unraveling into the daunting mystery of death. My tenacious mother survived and hopefully this sweet moose lives on too.

This year due to having Covid, I have worried about myself dying. I realized that I don't have control over my own destiny either! Before Covid closed things down, I dreamed of rising black water subsuming everything. The boards that I was walking on were being pulled up behind me as fast as I could walk. The black water was consuming everything. But then when I woke up, much to my surprise, I was in a state of profound peace instead of fear. This dream haunts my life now. I feel the rising black waters of Covid, the unconscious, and death, but also the rising black water of embodied peace. The black water is a metaphor for both. I have been swinging from sickness, grief, and fear to excitement and peace, and wondering about how to bridge and integrate the polarities. My encounters with this moose were a beautiful blend of excitement, fear, grief, and deep peace.

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