A Dream from December 26, 2008

Bardo: Tibetan, literally between two, an intermediate state. Typically used to refer to the astral state of the soul after death and before rebirth. Pema Khandro Rinpoche writes that “The Tibetan term bardo, or “intermediate state,” is not just a reference to the afterlife. It also refers more generally to these moments when gaps appear, interrupting the continuity that we otherwise project onto our lives. In American culture, we sometimes refer to this as having the rug pulled out from under us, or feeling ungrounded. These interruptions in our normal sense of certainty are what is being referred to by the term bardo. But to be precise, bardo refers to that state in which we have lost our old reality and it is no longer available to us.” In addition to her definition, my use of the word here denotes an inner intermediate place that exists in the dream realm.

This dream has been the single most influential dream that I’ve had in my life. I’d previously been studying and applying enlightenment teachings from various sources. So the dream reflects that knowledge, as well as my strong dedication and desire for enlightenment. Although the dream gave me sustaining hope that my life might somehow leave a light on for others, I did not expect to manifest the dream in waking life. It simply felt too big.

It has been immensely gratifying to look back 13 years, and see that the dream has in fact come to pass, though not in any way that I anticipated. All my beliefs and desires concerning awakening have been upturned and dismantled. Enlightenment, any kind of attainment, and all hierarchical stages of development have been replaced by a humble sense of the equality of all beings, and a willingness to learn from all I encounter. Each unexpected twist in the plot of my life, has been foreshadowed by a subsequent dream. In retrospect, my lifepath makes sense and can be articulated. However, as it is unfolding, it feels like wandering in the dark. I palpably feel my way forward and listen for subtle inner promptings. I share this dream for those who also find themselves wandering in dark unknown territory. May it serve as a small beacon of light upon your way.

The Journey Through the Bardo

December 26, 2008
I am journeying in a long inner dark place, filled with ancient Hindu and Buddhist iconography of death, decay, and spiritual transformation. Other seekers, sannyasins, and spiritual teachers are the only people with the courage and ability to wander in this space.

The space is oriented like a long oval or physical body, where one can go in and then back. However, people tend to enter it at different points, and navigate through it in a circuitous way. It is hard to make a full revolution of the space, and few succeed. However, those who make a full revolution attain enlightenment. I talk to 3 men attempting the journey. One says that he has made it half way — some 67 days. He feels good about his success, but that is as far as he can go for now. People can only survive in there for so long. Then they must go back and gather their strength for another attempt. Each person is tested by their fears, pain, and other repressed issues. I have a kind of far vision there, where I can see this endless trail of death and decay. The place resembles ancient India but with other Eastern influences mixed in as well. There is an incredibly long history all at once alive in there.

I have made it in halfway around. I am in the space equivalent to the head of a body. I sense a very subtle presence of a spiritual teacher there, but nothing that I can be sure about. I am trying to decide if I should retrace my steps and go back the way I came, which is familiar and known to me. Or do I risk going the way I haven’t been before, which may be more treacherous? I decide to go the new way.

I travel through a dark series of hallways and stairways that contain small iconographic symbols that are lit up. Near the end I am following Denny (my husband in waking life, who represents my animus or inner guiding spirit in this dream). We are leaving a room together, which is mine. I decide to lock the room as we leave to protect it. However, I leave a light on as a guide for other wanderers, those who will come after me and need a light to see. I follow Denny down a series of stairways, and then we emerge outside and are walking down the outer stairs of the place. The return journey is incredibly short and easy compared to the way in. They were not even close in comparison. The transition to the outside is seamless and unremarkable, as we just keep going down stairs. The outside stairs are wide and made of whitish stone, which is beautiful and functional, but does not stand out. They are like steps to a library or museum. I am following Denny who is a bit ahead of me. I turn around and see this huge incredible tree that is in full bloom, but its flowers are green and not at all flashy. The tree is extraordinary in an understated way. I want to look at it close up and figure out what kind of tree it is. There is a feeling that it is filled with incredible nectar. —End of dream.

A Synopsis of Related Dreams and Experience

(Note: I plan to write separate posts for these dreams/experiences.)

During the years immediately following this dream, I engaged in spiritual practices obtained from others, which mirrored the earlier treacherous and hard to survive wandering portrayed in the dream. I didn’t realize it at the time, but one of those disciplines ended up causing physical pain and significant health issues, while others inadvertently led me to make harmful choices for myself. For example, there’s a three-year gap in my dream records, reflecting the time when an enlightened teacher convinced me that my dreams were not worthy of attention.

Then, in February 2016, I had a dream about ego death and awakening. This particular dream was part of a series of dreams that I’ve had since 2001. I discovered that the dreams in the series play out in waking life over a period of 6 to 12 months following each dream. This time however, 8 months after my dream, my “enlightenment” felt like deep betrayal instead. I could no longer follow teachings that had previously been meaningful to me. This “awakening” dream with its accompanying life shift, aptly corresponded to the part of the bardo dream, where I had made it halfway and then decided to go a new way. Like the bardo dream portrayed, my new life path turned out to be infinitely easier than the hardship of the more traditional undertakings that had come before it.

On October 6, 2016 and May 9, 2017, I had dreams that were part of my longstanding series, which led to the development of somatic practices of listening to and holding my body. These dreams and the healing work that I did correspond to my having my own room in the bardo. I followed a visceral inner felt sense, as it flowed through my body from within.

On February 6, 2018 I had a dream that led to my creating and then launching this website 7 months later.

On May 24, 2020, I had a realistic dream about a Banquet Exhibit of Dreams. The dreams in the exhibit served as research, nourishment, and healing. People contributed their dreams in bookend pairs, however they chose to interpret a pairing. After this exhibit dream, I anticipated dreaming a sequel to the bardo dream. However, I eventually realized that I had already dreamed its pair, several months prior to this exhibit dream! The Banquet Exhibit of Dreams revealed that sharing powerful dreams would offer nourishment to those who read them. It provided the motivation for writing about these dreams. Perhaps you may also be moved to share your most powerful dreams.

On March 10, 2020, right before Covid shut everything down in my area, I had a dream, Rising Black Water, which was the bookend to the bardo dream. It turned out that the 67 days that it had taken the man in the bardo dream to make it halfway, referenced months. It took twice that, 134 months, for me to dream this sequel. In this new dream, the arduous bardo journey has been replaced by an even more terrifying and vast rising black water that subsumes everything. But this rising dark monumental unknown, leads to deep inner peace.

The Goodness of the Bardo

The bardo dream conveys a universal journey of first embracing wisdom from others, but then letting go of acquired knowledge, to venture out on one’s own unknown path. The Journey Through the Bardo has taught me three things. First, the imperativeness to do no harm. Or at least minimize potential harm. There are good teachings that may actually be wrong for a particular individual. It is important to offer teachings and healing, in ways that allow people to determine if they are appropriate for themselves. Second, there are universally beneficial qualities, such as kindness, unconditional love, authenticity, integrity, and presence, which do not lead one astray and are unlikely to cause harm. So a focus on cultivating those qualities strengthens support. Third, it is easier to embrace one’s own wisdom and learn from subsequent mistakes, than it is to follow the guidance of another that may not be quite right for oneself. Following one’s own path, allows essential goodness and integrity to remain intact.

It is very difficult to live a life of both inner and outer success. Outer success in a materialistic world often compromises inner integrity. I sacrificed career, financial success, and my desire to have children to pursue inner values. During the first half of my bardo journey through life, I felt as though I was failing, both inwardly and outwardly. My life and efforts appeared to be amounting to nothing at all. It is difficult to see and feel the benefit of inner work when you are in the thick of it! Many outer paths corrupt the integrity of spiritual pursuits. Awakening has become yet another commodity that may be bought and sold. But no one can sell the essential goodness of your life and its most valuable attributes. That which is most essential belongs to everyone and no one. It is always free. Essential goodness exists even in dark places, where one thinks it does not.

Throughout this journey, I have come to recognize that things are not how they appear. Many spiritual teachers and teachings are not quite as perfect as they are portrayed. And conversely, some wise and expansive beings incarnate into extraordinarily difficult and humble lives. I have come to appreciate an equality of all living things. Hierarchy is a myth. With unity there can only be equality. The heart does not say to the lungs that I am better and more evolved. Both are necessary. The intestines are not deemed less evolved because they are full of shit. Forming fertile waste material is crucial to the cycle of life. Within the wholeness of our existence, each small piece has its purpose and integrity. Each life counts. Your life matters. Like a star illuminating through a vast darkness, may that which has been more or less invisible within you, be tangibly felt and seen.

Links:

Esther Velthoen, whose painting captures some of the nuances of this dream, is a good friend and healer. Some of her paintings support my inner work as if they were my own. Her work may be viewed on Instagram.

Click here to view the post that I wrote about this article on Instagram.

Links to dreams:
Banquet Exhibit of Dreams
Rising Black Water

Return to the Kindness of Presence main page.

Notes about the images:

I chose the first photo because I wanted to begin the article with a traditional icon that was surrounded by darkness like the dream portrayed.

Esther Velthoen’s painting reminds me of ascension. The image represents an icon, body, or bardo space. The blue could be chakras or entry points for a circuitous navigation.

My first art piece reveals inner light radiating from a spacious body or central form. Veronica Milstead likened it to “a time capsule: energy from past experience glowing brightly, lighting the present.” The image corresponds to the part of the dream where I left a light on for other wanderers.

The following spiral image was one that was very beneficial for my healing. It arose out of a deep sense of failure. It represents a committed willingness to hold all parts of myself with unconditional love.

The last image was an unfinished failed piece that hung on the wall for a very long time. So I was thrilled when it finally came to a good completion. It suggests a hopeful moving into or out of light and darker spaces.