All You Need is Love - Arena Heidi

Meeting Adversity with Unconditional Kindness

In recent years my life has been relentlessly challenging. Although I have much to be grateful for, I have had to deal with one hardship after another without time to regroup in between. I tell you this, because I suspect that I am not alone. Others are also facing an acceleration of unsettling change. These are truly difficult times for many. However, I am learning that challenges are simultaneously opportunities. And furthermore, challenging times offer greater potential for beneficial transformation. Difficult circumstances impel us to dig deep and uncover that which truly matters. In this way, hard times may also be blessed times and difficulties may give rise to unexpected gifts. Through grappling with persistent adversity, I have come to appreciate its strengthening value.

I write these words to reinforce the kind wisdom that comes from sensitively navigating a difficult path, while simultaneously managing to mine its gems. May my words offer solace and fortitude for those who also find themselves traversing any emotionally arduous terrain. May you receive the humble gifts that painful and uncomfortable situations offer. There is always some kind of benefit to be found.

Although I present suffering in beneficent light, I do not wish to minimize or belittle its hardship. It’s extraordinarily difficult to navigate adversity. Learning how to do it well is perhaps the most valuable task to face in life. Much of what life offers is beyond our conscious control, but it is possible to meet challenging circumstances with honesty, humility, and love. And relentless difficulties offer ample opportunity to hone this kind of caring response!

Though I have studied a great many psychological and spiritual practices, hardship always returns me to the primacy of love. Adversity at its core, articulates a compelling call for more love. Am I able to offer myself enough love to cope with this particular difficulty that is at hand? And then can I remember to turn toward compassion whenever I feel distraught or overwhelmed?

Though it may seem contradictory, directing love toward yourself first, enables it to spill over into everything else. Love is like oxygen. It’s as vital as the air we breathe. It offers us the necessary fortification to cope with the hardships that weigh heavy upon us. But first we must condition ourselves to respond with genuine kindness and love. Most of us have been taught to fulfill our needs through external sources. Seeking solace through other people, addictions, and material things is likely to be a poor substitute for the wellspring that may be coaxed to flourish from within.

Perhaps you feel like I once did. Even though I loved myself, it didn’t help much when the hardship was too great and emotions were simply too overwhelming. Navigating relentless adversity has taught me that a consistent loving presence will reach and assuage deep pain. However, one cannot expect a weak muscle of love to mitigate extraordinary pain. Like physically intensive endurance training, one must return repeatedly to opening and strengthening one’s heart towards oneself. No difficulty is too small for turning toward self-compassion. Each mundane hardship offers fertile practice for responding with kindness and love, instead of judgment, self-criticism, or neglect.

Genuine self love does not come easy for most of us. By comparison, it is infinitely easier to feel good about oneself when everything is going well. It is extraordinarily difficult to love through your failure, shame, fear, insecurity, despair, exhaustion and unbearable grief. Loving into unwanted emotion and sensation may gradually lead to resiliency, empowerment and other buried gems. But first, one must learn to love oneself unconditionally, without expectation of benefit or reward. Holding a space of unconditional love is simply an act of goodness. However, when one is in the throes of hardship, it may be difficult to perceive the power inherent in this simple fundamental act. The muscle of unconditional love must be vital and strong for one to absorb and appreciate its mitigating balm.

In addition to love, it’s also beneficial to look truthfully and courageously at what is actually happening. One opens to and accompanies oneself through the difficulty, instead of trying to escape or get rid of it. Though it may initially be quite uncomfortable, self honesty, when coupled with love, allows one to embrace what is happening, instead of insisting that a situation conform to preconceived ideas or expectations. Facing a stark reality with ruthless honesty does not make it disappear, but it may make it easier to bear. Truth offers a firm ground to stand upon. When denial, pretending, and wishful thinking fall away, a pathway toward acceptance is cleared.

Genuine acceptance is much more difficult to access than it appears. Typically, we collapse into repetitious versions of despair, frustration, grief, self-pity or a resignation that may superficially resemble surrender. However, this kind of giving up lacks the deep peace and visceral relaxation that accompany the real thing. True surrender involves the whole body. One can physically feel when resistant parts of self have unanimously managed to let go. You can not will this level of acceptance into existence. Though believe me I have tried! The ego, will, and controlling parts of self must give way for surrender to occur. These resistant parts may induce us to act accepting, while currents of disenfranchisement still run rampant underneath. Adversity brings these unresolved currents to the surface, offering opportunities to flow in directions of resolution and peace.

4: Body based artwork by *Esther Joy Velthoen*

When life is hard, there is a propensity to cast blame. It’s typically our first response. It’s extremely easy to blame others and our circumstances. And it may in fact be true that much of our adversity arises out of oppressive and impoverished situations. And it may even be appropriate to hold a perpetrator accountable. However, blaming a perpetrator does not improve our situation. True power arises when we change our response toward ourselves first. An unconditional tending of our wounded, and perhaps even violent reactions, eventually leads to humble empowerment. Like a lily blooming out of mud, effective action may then arise from this steeped and grounded space.

It is also incredibly easy, though equally self-destructive, to blame God and life. I often feel justifiably angry that I am being given more than I can possibly handle. This blame arises from my ego which feels itself to be separate from, and perhaps even arrogantly above, that which is happening. Hardship offers an opportunity to reconnect with that which is deepest and true at our core, for only that will nourish and sustain us during our darkest times. It offers us the opportunity to surrender to God and life and feel ourselves to be a part of something infinitely more expansive than our limited selves. This level of surrender does not come easy for the ego, which is why it is crucial to respond with great care. Loving kindness tames and subdues a reactive belligerent ego.

There also can be a persistent tendency to self-blame, coupled with a lingering expectation that life should be easier. “What am I doing wrong? Why am I repeatedly attracting the same kind of uncomfortable and abhorrently bad things?” I notice that these self blaming tendencies are reinforced by cultural messages and spiritual teachings around me. There are “enlightened” viewpoints that suggest that those who are successful and on the right path attract only positive qualities and remain centered in unceasing happiness or bliss. I do not find this perspective and measurement of success to be helpful or true. Happiness is not a state to be attained, but rather an authentic emotion to be felt and appreciated in the moment when it occurs. It is not meant to invalidate other less palatable feelings or sensations. The pursuit of happiness, or spiritual desires that satisfy the ego, may be relatively superficial. Spiritual depth is different from what our ego imagines it to be. Access to that which is most profound, typically requires a temporary quieting or suspension of our ego.

For much of my life, I worked hard to align my ego with spiritual truth or God’s will. This alignment between ego and a deeper spirituality seemed harmless and perhaps even good. I assumed the union indicated integration and wholeness. But now I find myself in a place where my ego and that which expands beyond, no longer cleave together. To move forward, with each difficult step, I must diminish my ego and its tendency to take ownership. Even though it feels hard, I open to the uncomfortable situations that my ego resists. Life offers me a perpetual stream of these humbling opportunities. I’ve learned to make use of these gemstones in the rough. However, I can assure you that they do not feel like gems while they are happening!

Unraveling an ego requires immense patience and repetition. However, each time we embrace suffering and its underlying pain with open equanimity and compassion, subtle qualities of presence and awareness are fortified. This gentle and ongoing dismantling of self, appears to be a necessary developmental step for those who traverse a path of spiritual integrity. And the arising of genuine humility may indicate an ego that has momentarily been tamed.

When life is going well, one is less likely to notice one’s ego and the suffering it creates. When I look carefully, I see that an overwhelming sense of hardship arises because my ego, with all its clamoring pressures and desires, wants life to be different than what it is. It resists what is happening and resists surrender. We invest so much energy in survival and maintaining a status quo that it seems almost impossible to let go. We feel safer clinging to the small security and familiarity of the known. When one is backed up against a wall of difficulty, it feels tenuous, or even downright terrifying, to give way to either mundane or ineffable unknowns. But with practice our love and skill increases. We become more able to hold hardships with presence and love. Love is the gateway into acceptance and peace. One cannot force one’s way into a wellspring. But a way opens when pain meets the presence of love.

Whenever we are striving to get somewhere or obtain something, we miss the essence of what is already here and at rest. A fertile ground of being is present no matter how adverse our circumstances may be. It is difficult to access this ground from the throes of hardship. However, if you’re feeling beaten to the ground, some layers have already been stripped away. At those times, you are likely to be more receptive to and in need of a deeper essence. If you then manage to crawl your way along a kind and compassionate path into a trickle of a wellspring, any peace that you encounter is likely to feel grounded and sane. Humble gratitude may arise for the unanticipated reprieve. If one learns to live more humbly, it becomes easier to remain closer to this gentle quiet ground.

When love and humility increase, grace is more easily able to find us grappling on a precipice. On occasion, we may even fall from steep and unsettling predicaments into the surprise of peace. One never expects to find peace in the thick terrain of adversity, for the territory is anything but peaceful. However, peace accessed through a threshold of suffering, feels more reliable and true, because it arises out of an honest reconciliation of darkness and light. I’ve admitted any failure and shame. Nothing has been denied or glossed over. The ego has not been elevated. Delineations between good and bad may have softened and blurred. On both personal and worldly levels, I can more easily see and feel the good that arises from difficult and abhorrent circumstances. The good does not remove the horror or make transgressions right, but it ushers in expansive understanding. On some level, I know and feel that all of it, even the bad, is okay. What is, is always okay, simply due to its existence. It can be hard to know and feel that one is okay, and especially so in the face of failure, shame, unhappiness or any other imperfection. But only the ego judges and deems things wrong and unacceptable, while a ground of being offers unbiased equanimity.

Perhaps you may also discover that things are held in a spaciousness of divinity and light. The essence of our lives and existence rests upon this kind foundation of acceptance and forgiveness. Simply remembering to turn toward self kindness and love, offers a steadfast pathway into it.

For a long time, I thought that the level of hardship that I was experiencing would pass. After I made it through the next hurdle, things would shift and life would become easier. But instead, each hurdle has been replaced by multiple others, and underlying feelings of exhaustion and burnout have increased. I’ve come to feel like I reside full time in the wilderness of adversity. Writing this article has offered reinforcement and support for coping with this intractable land. Even though my ego is not happy about it, I must admit that my love and wisdom have deepened more through grappling with adversity than from happiness and outer success. Although I complain about the hardship, and it frequently feels like it is oppressively too much, working with adversity often leads to a more fulfilling yet humbler peace than I have previously known. Though my life does not feel easy, its blessings are ample enough. May you also sustain love in times of hardship and uncover a quiet yet humble peace. And may your blessings multiply even in the darkest times.

Notes about the Artwork

1: The first picture, taken at sunset on June 14, 2024 near my home, is reassuring and uplifting for me. It’s like love is erupting from the powerful mountain of marble that I reside upon.

2: This sweet image of lambs was taken on November 14, 2023, when folks helped a neighbor to move his flock of sheep. It reminds me to turn toward love during times of vulnerability. (I wrote an article with videos and pictures on The Astonishing Thrill of Moving Sheep.)

3: This drawing/painting from 2021 deals with the messiness of wounds and imperfection, and my attempts to contain and resolve the chaos of trauma. It reveals that light and beauty shine through our broken places.

4. A painting done my friend Esther Velthoen from the UK. She wrote that "this is another 'body-based' drawing, mapping out sensations, tension etc. in the body. The process of drawing affects the body, so that you could start off with drawing tense shoulders and at the end of it feel they have softened.” The feeling of this piece illustrates the body inclusive work of coming to acceptance and surrender. Esther is a skilled healer who is able to impart somatic work through her art and healing mandalas. I recommend the healing sessions that she offers online through her powerful layouts.

5. Carmen Gonzàlez García’s paintings capture the exquisite feelings of aliveness of the natural world and realms beyond. She lives in the Canary Islands, Spain and I recommend that you check out her other work. For me this seascape illustrates the flowing layers consciousness with unknown “animals” or emotions surfacing. It captures the unsettling but also endearing and comforting feelings of coming to terms with adversity.

6. gogalchi, from Japan, who prefers to remain anonymous, is an extraordinarily skilled artist, whose body of work as a whole offers good social commentary. This particular painting captures intense despairing emotion, but also a sense of comfort and soothing through the background light and the way it envelops and touches the body. I also recommend checking out his youtube Smile Art Gallery and amazing melted crayon paintings.

7. This photo from June 19, 2024, is another taken of my mountain from a slightly different vantage point. A full moon is just about to rise. It captures the clear spaciousness and peaceful calmness of light gently arising in darkness, offering us hope for dark times.