Surrendering to the Unknown

Peace and Reconciliation of Darkness and Light

By Arena Heidi and Boram Kim

(Please note: this article is a draft in the process being written. We hope you will return and read it when it is complete.)

Many think that those on a spiritual path acquire great knowledge. However, profound wisdom arises from an incomprehensible unknown and is more about letting go than attaining anything. So paradoxically, living a surrendered life involves becoming aware of how little one understands of the vast unknown through the mind, and increasing one’s comfort with not needing to know much at all! Instead, we embrace unfathomable mystery, and follow its subtle ebbs and flows. Laying down baggage and burdens, the expansive nature of life carries us. With kind support, body and mind unravel and settle in stillness. Even the most practical and ordinary concerns rise and fall in spacious emptiness. When we stay with not knowing, yet remain aware and listening, what is appropriate for a particular moment or situation emerges and is felt. The formless unknown exists at the core of all life, so you need not strive to obtain it—it’s always already here! It is the true nature of being. Though dark formidable vastness may generate feelings of terror and insignificance, remaining present in the unknown with our fears and difficulties, leads to profound peace, humility, and love. It is an ironic and welcome relief to discover a wealth of comfort and fulfillment in intangible nothingness. Worldly pleasures often leave one empty and hungering for something more, while the unknown provides an incomparable sense of wholeness. In describing our process of surrender to the unknown, we hope that others will be moved to explore and share their experience of this vast dark beautiful terrain.

One Mind

Boram and I are visual artists who met on social media. We share a spiritual attunement that deepens over time. Separately, we surrender to the unknown, but then the wisdom we stumble upon is essentially the same. As we lessen our ego and follow a flow, a clarity of intention and unity effortlessly arises. We collaborate from this spiritual unity. Although I, Arena Heidi, compose and weave our art and words together, the insights have emerged equally through us both. The wisdom discovered in the unknown is free. It does not belong to anyone. Yet, our hearts deeply desire to share this intangible treasure. We offer what we learn with the hope that our art and words may touch others who feel similarly aligned. There is power in joining together in the unknown. The time is ripe for uncovering a unified like-mindedness and true equality of being. Perhaps you may also surrender and join with us in open discovery, feeling a sense of the same unity. Eventually, we all find our way home to inseparable belonging.

The Power of the Unknown

In 1987 when I was 25, I had a spiritual reading that foretold of my “bringing spiritual truths down to earth and anchoring them firmly.” I was told to “give up my life to God; to give up my personal will and allow God’s will into my life.” In one way or another I worked hard to surrender and give up my will, but I didn’t really understand what it meant. I mistakenly associated surrender with being passive and relinquishing my power. It is an easy mistake to make. Boram and I have discovered (and you may also come to realize) that true surrender is the opposite of passivity and defeat. It is actually an embodiment of true power, which comes from an incomprehensibly vast and unlimited unknown. In comparison, contrary to appearances, power that comes from the mind and ego stems from feelings of powerlessness and misguided attempts to fill deep wounds of separation through external things. It is not true power at all. Outer domination and control, which many perceive to be powerful, arises from damaged and disturbed aspects of the psyche. When you see confusion and misunderstanding for what it is, it increases your desire for genuine surrender.

Boram Kim and Arena Heidi: We can only do our best in each moment. For the rest we just need to surrender. Surrendering to the unknown is an incredibly powerful choice that can only come from deeper consciousness. Surrender is a conscious choice to trust the invisible instead of just chasing after visible things. We let go of living in the known to be truly alive in the unknown. It is only when we are able to be nothing and embrace our failure that we recognize that we are everything. We do our best to live from our hearts and let go of the known. Then we are able to be everything and be free. We let go of identity, expectations, the influence of family and friends, and expectations formed by culture and society. In that letting go we experience true freedom. This level of surrender takes an enormous amount of courage and inner work. Eventually, the work becomes habitual, carrying us and sustaining itself. There is no end state of completion, only continued learning and evolving as we come to live more in the unknown. We experience true freedom and empowerment in the unknown, because we are finally living the essence of who we are. We are simultaneously our own unique selves, everything we experience, but most significantly a vast emptiness that is nothing at all.

Boram Kim: I remain in the unknown now voluntarily. I choose to be here. I choose "the invisible" over "the visible". I connect with the unknown rather than settling in the known because now I see the visible makes us blind and dull. When we can remain aligned and connected in the unknown, intuition gets sharper and our inner wisdom and insights are there to guide us. We actually start to see and feel in the darkness with our whole being, and then the darkness doesn't feel dark any more. We don't wait for light to save us, because now we see that we are that light. We are that radiance. No need to go out and look for God. God is already within and around us. No need to seek love, because we are that love. No need to ask for abundance, because we are abundant already.

Arena Heidi: All of life arises out of the unknown, but we have been conditioned to focus upon a thin layer of reality on the surface. We see only distorted reflections of truth. We call these projected mirages reality. Meanwhile, we are swimming in the “real thing” but missing it entirely. We think of ourselves as individuals separate from the life surrounding us. However, life is actually more whole and continuous than we could possibly imagine. Freedom arises in relinquishing our conditioned view of reality and allowing ourselves to be moved directly by a vast unknown. Surrendering to each moment matters. Each encounter in life is a choice to show up, learn something, and be present for ourselves and each other.

We have been taught to move from ideas of what we want. We try to control life and stay with our favored attributes. Then we do violence to ourselves or another by attempting to abolish or suppress the rest. Real power and fulfillment arises from a willingness to receive both “the good” and “the bad”. Ironically, power and freedom arise from a willingness to be naked and vulnerable with our human foibles. As one learns to hold one’s suffering with presence and love, the contrast between good and bad begins to dissolve. In the willingness to surrender and be with darkness and difficulties, resistance falls away and wounds begin to unravel themselves. Eventually unity arises and one willingly receives an abundant wholeness of both dark and light.

The Art of Surrender

Boram and I make art that arises from the unknown and communicates more than just beauty. Each piece offers healing, and we feel grateful for those who take the time to feel into the palpable transmission of a piece.

Our art making process is surprisingly similar but also fascinating in its difference. Boram’s work explores and integrates the unknown of free and expansive consciousness, while mine delves into subconscious unknowns that unite darker emotional aspects of self. Like a yin-yang symbol, human and divine are represented in both our bodies of work, but the proportions vary. The subtle differences in how we surrender to art making, lead us into unique terrain. We have learned to follow our process as it unfolds from within. The scenery appears different, but our destination is the same.

This article is also a work of art that arises from the unknown. The inspiration for it ripens over time as we witness each other surrender. I write from settled embodiment, so that my words carry more than just intellectual understanding and convey a lived experience. I write the best that I can, which often feels inadequate. Then, every night when I sleep, my subconscious gives input. I awaken with slightly more clarity and revise my writing accordingly. Thus, over a period of many weeks, an article becomes a full collaboration between conscious and subconscious portions of self. Each article I write crawls forth on a cutting edge between known and unknown, challenging my conscious self to go deeper and learn more. I typically feel like I am over my head and have no idea how I am going to complete a challenging piece, but this feeling has become comfortable. It reveals the courage necessary to persist in the unknown and live beyond what my ego limited self perceives or imagines.

*BLUE WINDOW OF CHAOS AND FREEDOM* by Arena Heidi

My artwork begins in complete chaos with emotionally wild scribbling. In some pieces the fine lines of this scribbling remain visible and become the integral texture of a piece. In other works, they recede to a barely visible background or disappear entirely. Forms emerge from the chaos. The catharsis of emotional release heals and transforms as well. I train my conscious mind to stay out of the way by reminding myself to stay free with expressive movements. Some pieces feel as if they are birthed all at once entirely out of an unknown, while others begin in the unknown but require painstaking conscious listening to bring them to completion.

Each piece embodies a step in an ongoing healing progression. The work exposes unexpected and sometimes disconcerting elements of my internal landscape. I leave uncomfortable work hanging on the wall, living with it for as long as necessary to integrate its discomfort. We all have sequestered parts of ourselves that long to be acknowledged, made visible and whole. Living with art that emerges out of subconscious emotional difficulties facilitates unification. My rational mind has a difficult time trusting this process, as it exists outside of its conscious domain. Yet, despite doubts and fear, something astute and unexpected always emerges.

As subconscious communication, my art portends and illustrates inner events that normally remain invisible. Multilayered themes, which only become apparent in retrospect, surprise my conscious mind. For example, unbeknownst to me, a number of drawings depicted a healing of my liver, which culminated with a large physical cyst on my liver dramatically shrinking in size. Other works showed unexpected pathways that trauma needed to resolve and heal itself. My art is small and humble. I hope it inspires others to nourish that which lies latent within. Especially during these turbulent times, our collective healing rests upon nurturing the forsaken. In each of us, there lies dormant, a vast unexplored wilderness of potential.

*EVER-EXPANDING CONSCIOUSNESS* by Boram Kim

Boram’s artwork emerges directly from expansive consciousness, revealing nuances of wordless states of being. She enters into and paints from a spacious unknown. Each painting embodies a particular facet of infinite consciousness and functions as a transmission of unspoken awareness from that space. Her paintings serve as a type of meditation, offering upliftment for a person or place. Living with her art facilitates entry back into similar portions of consciousness from which it came. Her art thus offers pleasurable pathways into surrender, returning sensitive and aware viewers to the source of our true essence.

Boram Kim: I attune first, allowing myself to create from an inner flow. Tuning in means aligning myself deeply with consciousness. I don’t create through my mind or ego in order to meet any imaginary expectations that my mind has created. I have to remain free of those expectations and identities. My creations come solely from within me, from my true being, not from the outside.

When one is deeply present, words and thoughts disappear. We need to be grateful for that deep consciousness and remain there as long as we can without doing a single thing. Words and thoughts come back with more depth and power later, once we receive what is beyond words in the unknown. When I paint I try to keep my intuition flowing and simultaneously maintain a balance that allows me to catch up and be with my hands, while keeping ego and thoughts away. But if I am pulled into infinite space and consciousness, I just stay there, fully feeling the infinite expansion.

I create meaningful artworks that help people reconnect and heal. However, in every process of creating, I also calmly face my own fears and doubts, and thus find myself healing and growing as well. That we continue to evolve ourselves as we help another is the true beauty of Intuitive art making and life. This reflective yet wordless process enables us to dive deeply into ourselves and the unknown without our usual resistance. As long as I’m aligned in this way, I feel free and limitless during the entire art making process. Intuition flows in naturally and I just have to follow it. Sooner or later, forms start to emerge and I just keep going. There are moments when I develop forms in certain directions and it doesn't work out. At those times, I "allow myself” to take the time to go deeper. I used to feel frustrated at this stage, but I've learned this is part of the process. One can never go wrong, only grow and learn.

Wholeness and Reconciling Duality

Surrendering to the unknown is an act of wholeness that integrates portions of self and external reality instead of trying to eliminate those parts. Even the most negatively judged and feared things, are a part of life and our human scope of existence. All is welcomed and reconciled in a vast unknown, as one compassionately identifies with and balances the “negative” and dark portions of what it means to be human. If one strives to remain only in a positive state, dark shadows are unwittingly cast behind. In trying to get rid of suffering, one may end up suffering more. Conversely, while embracing hardship, love and goodness quietly slip in. Living in the unknown, one learns to kindly receive and tend all portions of self. Conflict and duality that are held kindly, eventually reconcile themselves. Surrendering to the unknown in ourselves, leads to the embodiment of peace. It is a way to resolve the deep paradox of internal personal suffering, as well as externalized conflict that we witness or create.

*THE WHOLENESS OF IMPERFECTION* by Arena Heidi

Arena Heidi: I lived all of my earlier life with a deep feeling of heavy grief. Whenever I turned inward the grief was there. It had been with me for as long as I could remember. It felt like an appropriate response to incarnating into a divisive and difficult world, so I wasn’t trying to get rid of it. It didn’t even feel like something that I could release, as it was such a significant part of who I was on a deep level. So it came as a huge unexpected relief, when this heavy grief that I’d carried for so long, disappeared so quietly that at first I didn’t even notice its absence.

The disappearance of internal grief facilitated sustained lightness and joy, similar to the happiness one feels when physical pain finally abates. However, eventually I noticed that in my happiness I felt disconnected from others. I could no longer relate to their suffering. When I saw this disassociation, I realized that sustaining only positive emotion was not what I wanted and not the right path. I willingly turned back to a full range of human difficulties. I knew I needed access to human emotions for psychological balance and healing, but I wasn’t sure what it meant in terms of enlightenment. Too many spiritual teachers promote a kind of detachment that left me confused.

This recounting of my past reveals how I listened to and followed a deeper sense of wisdom, even before I fully understood the value in darkness and suffering. Guidance from spiritual teachers, though valuable in some respects, had unwittingly led me astray. When listening to the deeper unknown parts of yourself, you sometimes have to follow that which goes against all you have been taught to believe, even if those acquisitions have been good and true in some ways.

I now feel that genuine enlightenment reconciles duality, especially the duality of human and divine. How you live your life as a real human being with a full range of human emotion is just as valuable as your spiritual embodiment. They are the same whole. We want to bring the spiritual down to earth and embody it in the minutia and messiness of our real and often traumatic human lives. Grappling with our difficulties matters. “Negative” emotions are beneficial. They hold deeper gifts.

*STILL BUT CONSTANTLY MOVING* by Boram Kim

For example, I have always felt a lot of shame and knew about shame’s deep links to trauma. Even though the sensations of shame are exceptionally uncomfortable and we resist being with them, shame offers a gateway for self love and compassion. Learning to be compassionately present with shame is valuable work. Sometimes shame arises because we already identify with expansive portions of self. In those moments, I feel grateful that my shame is alerting me to the fact that my ego has slipped back in, taken ownership of truth, and is wearing it like a beautiful badge of accomplishment! Vulnerable sensitivity teaches me to hold ego and shame with kindness, humor and love. Both are invaluable parts of a dance of divinity. Feeling and holding presence for difficult emotions, is deep surrender.

Boram Kim: Some paintings take longer because various outside situations affect me and I have time periods of not feeling aligned at all. At those times, I let myself feel all the negativity and sit with it. At first, of course, I feel bitter, disappointed, and defeated. But I continue to sit with those feelings, going through all the big and little conflicts, hurts, fear, and all the negative conclusions that originated from them. Slowly, my mind clears and regains its natural perspective. I become grateful for the challenges that cause the chaos within me and the process of my inner work. No need to hurry up to feel good again right away. No need to always feel strong and fearless. I also need these moments of being fully vulnerable to be "truly strong" and "resilient". Vulnerability is also part of abundance. Being completely open to my limited fragments and working on them is also abundance, just as light and darkness are not two opposite things. Only in darkness can we see light. True oneness and nonduality is only realized through deep understanding and reconciling the dualities within us and in our lives.

*HOLDING OUR WOUNDEDNESS* By Arena Heidi

Arena Heidi: Always I write for my younger self and those who suffer with illness, disabilities, and oppression. Know that you are always more than any self-limiting handicap or trauma. Small steps of redemption are possible even in the darkest places. I endured great suffering when I was young. To survive I had to draw upon inner resources before I knew what was truly valuable. Many expansive beings incarnate into difficult lives. Hardship and isolating circumstances offer great opportunity for deepening wisdom and growth. On spiritual levels, unknown and unrecognized lives may offer more potential than worldly success and fame, which is not as important as it appears. Grappling with darkness and difficulties is valuable work that makes a difference. Your small internal success in private hidden situations makes a vibrational difference for planetary healing. Your survival matters. Sometimes, just staying alive is accomplishment enough.

God and goodness exist in absolutely everything, even in the most hopeless and desolate internal and external places. The most horrific situations offer opportunity to awaken hearts and discover the indwelling spark of divinity. Every single thing is sacred. It is easy to see God in nature, children, and inspirational places of worship. But to feel the sacredness of all things, including dark emotions, suffering and war is a profound embodiment of wholeness.

Healing and wholeness always begins with yourself and your ability to face the war within. Living with your shame, rage, hatred and pain is the naked humbleness of the true path. Eventually, grappling with these vulnerable parts, becomes more satisfying than light and bliss. With persistence, experiencing the rawness of human life in all its heart wrenching grief, uncovers a peace and fulfillment that is worth each toiled step. This is the treasure that I wish for each of you. A wholeness birthed out of the union of suffering and grace that is more powerful than detachment and bliss. So do not seek to rid yourself of damaged parts. Be kind to yourself and own those parts, so they may eventually transform themselves into golden nectar. The raw material of your darkest nightmare is just as valuable as radiant light. The greatest satisfaction in life is not to just partake and revel in joy and light, but to receive both dark and light together and embody them as one whole.

Boram Kim’s Bio:

I am originally from South Korea and currently living in the beautiful Island of Gods, Bali, Indonesia. I received my master degree in Fine Arts from Rochester Institute of Technology in Rochester, NY, after finishing my undergraduate study in English Literature and Psychology in Yonsei University in Seoul, Korea. I also make custom art pieces that are individually tailored to each client's spiritual wishes and needs. Each piece is the result of manifestation through me from a seed that a client plants. You may view my work and contact me via my website: www.boramkimart.com or Instagram.

Arena HeidiFebruary 25, 2022Comment