Presence for Small Things
Healing Embodied Powerlessness and Despair
(Note: This is the beginning of a series of explorations and articles that delve into this challenging subject. Healing is an evolving process and not a fixed event.)
Though I’d done enough inner work that I now felt inwardly safe and supported, my physical body still held a posture of discouragement and despair. So I ventured into exploring bodily spaces where difficult emotions were still firmly entrenched. It was not easy. I felt crazy for choosing to wander into dark issues that had been viscerally internalized since adolescence. Could I handle the unresolved isolation and despair?
My body preferred the safety of being slightly curled up in self-protection. Throughout my life my posture had been recalcitrant to change. I’d tried various therapies, but most techniques left me feeling propped up, and my body would soon revert back to its comfortable and familiar posture of subtle collapse. Long haul Covid-19 lung symptoms, were merely the newest installment in a long history of feeling powerless and defeated. My life truly had been a struggle to overcome external obstacles, but I also battled an inner embodied sense that things were just too hard.
My previous success with learning an internal language of kindness, encouragement, and presence, gave me the courage to explore this desolate terrain. I was searching for humble ways to cope with and heal a hidden undercurrent of oppression and despair. A dream I’d had nine months previous in March of 2021, foretold of my grappling with and healing portions of this issue.
In the dream I am driving up an extremely steep hill. The land is so incredibly steep that the houses on the road have no yard around them, just precipitous descents. I can't believe that anyone would choose to live in such a treacherous environment. When I reach my destination up high on the hill, I spend time figuring out where to park and find my place, before others arrive for a gathering. Later, at the end of the dream, I am lying naked in a bathtub, while my husband (who represents my animus in this dream) is supporting me in the warm water. Since I am buoyant, he is able to hold me exceptionally well. I feel exquisitely nurtured and held with love. It is the most extraordinary love I have ever felt.
Although I’d consciously forgotten about the dream, my subconscious was weaving it into my waking life. While exploring embodied oppression, I awoke one morning knowing what I had to do. Although I’d learned to hold presence for myself, there were small subtle difficulties that I wasn’t attending to. I hadn’t realized that I could momentarily hold these distraught thoughts or sensations with kindness. I’d assumed that these fleeting impressions were too insignificant or intangible to focus upon. But this neglect of tiny hurts had a way of creeping into a larger sense of victimization. So, I began turning toward each uncomfortable thought or sensation, no matter how small or insignificant, to momentarily hold and acknowledge it with care. Each brief acknowledgement offered a cushion to that particular small stress. This tender delicate caretaking, felt akin to cradling a small bird in an open palm. The bird could rest or fly free, in its own time and choosing. Subtle but significant ease, now surrounded each cushioned distress. Countless unnamable things could receive the buoyant support they needed.
As I began to hold presence for this multitude of tiny difficulties, something extraordinary occurred. The experience of feeling utterly loved in my dream, manifested in waking life. I realized that we are always already held in love. If you believe in God, then you may already know that everything is held and cushioned by God’s love. If you don’t believe in God, then I can affirm that a vast intelligent universe holds everything in nestled kaleidoscopic wholeness. If you don’t believe in either of these things, then just know that life is comprised of moments of inexplicable grace. And in the end, being touched by grace is enough.
Though most of us live preoccupied lives, where a felt experience of this kind of love is hard to access, it really is this simple. Caretaking the smaller parts of ourselves, attunes us to the ways that we belong to and are nurtured by a larger benevolent whole. Presence opens spaciousness, into which grace may more freely manifest. I can affirm that you don’t have to work hard to fix or change anything. Just show up and compassionately acknowledge tender wounds. It is enough. Empathetic attention allows all things to unravel and care for themselves. Each body knows when to rest or fly, when given enough space to be. Simple attentive presence is more powerful than we realize.
This is a dark and oppressive time upon our planet. With Covid-19 and the push to implement rapid vaccination, we are simultaneously losing the freedom to choose how we treat and heal our bodies. Knowledge of more benign and less financially lucrative treatment is being suppressed. Regardless of which side of the vaccine issue you fall on, we need to find ways to bridge toward each other and respect our differences. Mandates, coercion, and the loss of choice is a steep and precipitous slope. Whether the agenda is personal or collective, force and manipulation are not kind and beneficial ways to achieve compliance. I offer my experience of working respectfully with body and psyche, without using pressure and force. I hope that we may collectively evolve more empowered approaches to all aspects of our lives. My writing is offered as a prayer, that you may also find empowered ways of being in a controlling world. May your difficulties float buoyantly in the warm waters of presence. May inexplicable grace enter the cracks and broken pieces of any wearisome hardship that you face. May you know and feel that you are deeply valued and loved.
About the Artwork
My artwork emerges freely and spontaneously from my subconscious. The images function like dreams. They reveal aspects of my inner life and foreshadow upcoming events. This first piece was made in December of 2019. It’s number 31 in my series on Drawing into Trauma. When I made it, I was literally curled up in the emotional tension and complexity of buried trauma. Although the image captures feelings of oppression, healing has already begun. Inner light visibly radiates from the abstract yet body-like form.
This is image number 88 from my Drawing into Trauma series. Pedestal Light is what I’d written about it back then. It was the first picture I’d posted on Instagram when I began a year ago. The original art piece was drawn on top of orange paint. When rescanning it, I removed the orange background, and this colorful version was the result. This image highlights the importance and success of simple embodied presence. The humble form is held and supported by the light and color surrounding it. The work illustrates the always significant interplay between form and formlessness, the dance between positive and negative space, and the bright but temporal nature of any form.
Support for a Small Form
The theme of a small form being attended to and protected by a larger one, arose in my artwork during the late summer of 2021. Three drawings displaying the exact same theme was unusual. So I’d noted that my subconscious was seriously impressing this message upon me. But I didn’t really understand the work’s significance until December 2021, when I had the insights which I’ve written about above. These three images are displayed in the order in which they were made. They reveal an increasing consciousness and sensitivity, toward developing a relationship of support for small things.
The first image illustrates openings in surrounding structures and a creative, playful exploration of the space.
In the middle image the forms are more developed. There is a felt sense of connection between them. The larger form conveys an expansive feeling, and colorful light radiates through it. The forms integrate seamlessly with each other and the background space.
In the third image the forms unite and form a sensitive face. A sense of our humanness, that which is personal, is now a significant part of the relationship between the forms. The smaller and larger forms each contain a different kind of eye and vision. In offering something of value to each other, they are united and made whole. Darkness and difficulty have been embraced and integrated as a vital part of the exchange.